It has been almost 2 weeks since we moved the monkey into her own crib in her own room, yet I'm as conflicted now as I was that first night. I know that it was time - actually it was WAAAY past time to move her out of our bedroom, but I still miss having her in the little bassinet beside the bed. I still miss hearing her breathe in and out and listening to her shuffle around the bassinet to get comfortable.
I think it gets back to the mommy guilt that doesn't ever seem to escape. You know, the guilt that I only get a few hours a day with my girls because I have to work outside the home. Being a SAHM was never an option for me but that doesn't mean I don't feel bad about spending any time away from my children. It's hard to admit because I can't actually imagine not working outside the home. I love having daily contact with adults and feeling needed by people other than my blood relatives, but there are days when I wish I could stay home, take the girls to the park, make grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch, and watch the Little Mermaid when the temp soared above 100 degrees. I still feel guilty, though.
I feel guilty taking 15 minutes to update this blog (thus, the few blog entries these past few months). I feel guilty going to the gym after work and leaving them w/ yet another caregiver. (thus, I pay for memberships at 2 gyms - the one at work so I can workout on my lunch break and 24 hour fitness- which I've had forever and consequently, pay so little that it would be a crime to not keep paying the monthly fee.) The squid actually loves going to the "indoor gym" on the weekends, but I'd rather spend the time I do have w/ them pushing the jogging stroller around the neighborhood than racing on the elliptical at the gym. If strangers knew about my guilt, they'd probably think I was Catholic or Jewish - but I'm not. I'm a born and bred Unitarian Universalist.
Enough with the pity party. Yes, I'm guilty of feeling guilty. What mother isn't?
I'll tell you what I don't feel guilty about. I don't feel guilty that:
1/ I don't cook nutritious meals for my family. My husband is a MUCH better cook and his meals are both nutritious and INCREDIBLE.
2/ I enjoy an occasional glass of wine and/or a margarita, even while I'm still nursing. French women do it and I consume enough food at dinner to more than make up for the tiny bit of alcohol that might grace my stomach.
3/ Our children go to bed later than many. When the cook doesn't get home until 7 or later, it's impossible to eat before 8 p.m. I like to say that we're on a European schedule! I don't feel guilty because we all eat together and we all eat the same thing - no chicken fingers and fries for the kids while the adults eat grilled chicken w/ asparagus and garlic jalapeno mashed sweet potatoes. We all eat the same thing or nothing.
4/And I don't feel guilty for loving my girls unconditionally. They deserve nothing less.